Enigma
by Storybookgirl77
Summary: Set a few weeks after Danny has died Harry began to notice things were different
1. Chapter 1

I do not own Spooks. BBC television and kudos productions own all. No copyright infringement is intended nor should be inferred. Set series 3

There's something about Ruth

It was turning out to be the day from Hell. Danny's death hung heavily over the team. Fiona quieter than he ever remembered. Adam clearly angry at the world while Colin and Malcolm kept to themselves. Meanwhile Ruth had become so introverted that he wondered if she was having some form of breakdown. He felt sorry for the new boy Zaf who had literally walked into a crisis. Now he had to contend with Juliet breathing down his neck.

"Harry."

"Ruth." He looked up. "Have you heard of a little custom we British have?" Ruth frowned slightly. "The one where before entering a room with a closed door we curl our hand onto a fist and then hit it against the wooden panel of the door?"

"Oh yes." Ruth blushed slightly. "Reports on Shining Dawn."

"Thank you."

"You need to sign them." Her voice almost devoid of emotion. It had been nearly a week since the memorial service for Danny, since his name had been added to the glass wall of remembrance.

"Ok, Ruth?"

"Adam and Dan er Zaf are going to Fishers place of work. Fiona is with Debra Langham and I have work to do."

"As do we all. Samantha has requested a transfer to GCHQ with immediate effect." Harry watched as Ruth nodded. "I thought you should know."

"She loved Danny."

"Yes."

"We all did."

"Ruth." Harry stood up. "If you."

"I'm fine." She turned to leave as Harry fell silent. The door clicking shut before he could finish his sentence.

Xxxxxxxx

Adam returned to the Grid a few hours later. The normal buzz of activity of the place looking and feeling subdued. He'd been Section Chief almost a year and had already seen so many changes. First Tom and then Zoe had left them. Each departure seemed to affect the team more and more. Ruth quietly got on with her work; barely speaking to anyone other than Danny and Harry. Then Danny had been murdered and Fiona almost killed. It seemed to be one blow after another. With Sam leaving he wondered how much more his team could take.

"Adam?" Colin walked over to him. "You ok?"

"Always." He smiled at the other man. "What's up?"

"The device in Natasha's jacket. The one I had sewn in?"

"Was a genius idea that saved her life and dozens more at the hospital." Adam stated. It was a fact. It was the Grid based staff like Colin that kept them alive. He had no idea what they did but he knew it worked.

"Thanks but it was a prototype. I'd like you to test a more powerful version. This." He handed Adam a tie pin. "Has a camera on it as well as audio."

"Ok." Adam turned the small device over in his hand.

"Is Ruth ok? Only I saw Harry watching her earlier. He looked worried."

"He is. We all are. Fiona is barely coping and Danny was Ruth's best friend here." Adam sighed. "It's a difficult one." He looked towards the analyst who seemed to be aware their boss was watching them. "I'll talk to Harry. Don't worry."

"Ok." Colin retreated to his work area as Adam approached the office. Knocking once he stepped in just in time to catch Harry watching the brunette at her work station.

"What!"

"Juliet bought a flying pig and Zaf's run away with the circus."

"Very good."

"Harry."

"Adam."

"What's wrong?" Adam paused. "Is Ruth alright? She's barely spoken to anyone for weeks. I'm concerned."

"You have Fiona to worry over."

"Yes." Adam held his gaze. "But who does Ruth have to look after her?"

Harry's eyes darkened. He knew exactly what Adam was referring to. The night Danny had died he had spent with Ruth. Just talking and being the friend they both needed. Nothing inappropriate had happened. That was when he knew. Any other woman he'd have tried it on. Anyone else would have probably let him. But not Ruth Evershed. There was something about her. He didn't know what, but she was special.

Xxxxx

A/N not sure about this. Please review


	2. Chapter 2

Ok this was going to be a one shot. Set in the weeks following Danny's death so series 4 characters only.

2\. Concern

Adam seemed to be placated by Harry's assurances that Ruth would be fine and that he would talk to her. Shaking his head sadly Harry wondered when the brash and sometimes overconfident Section Chief had really become part of the team. Somehow he couldn't imagine Tom ever suggesting that they look after a team member having a rough time. His recommendation would have been to weed out the weakest. Spying was survival of the fittest. Harry looked out over the Grid. Ruth caught his gaze for a moment before turning to talk to Zaf. It was then he realised exactly what Adam had meant.

Xxxxxx

"Ruth?" Zaf scooted his chair over to her. "How is my favourite section analyst today?"

"No Zaf. I have enough work on. Special Branch have just dumped all this on me. I have translations to get through as well as the threat assessment for Harry." Ruth turned back to the computer.

"Too busy for lunch?"

"Yes." Ruth nodded. "I'll get a sandwich later."

"K." Zaf looked across to Fiona who shook her head sadly. It seemed Ruth was determined to shut herself off from everyone. She'd noticed it the day of Danny's memorial. The funeral had been a nightmare; interrupted by Shining Dawn but the memorial in the chapel below Thames House had been difficult for everyone.

"Fi."

"Yes?" Fiona turned towards her husband.

"Malcolm has our legends ready. Me and Zaf are going to go through them. You ok?"

"Adam, it's not me I'm worried about." She glanced towards Ruth who had got up from her desk and made towards the Pods. Adam swore under his breath.

"We're going to lose her. Same way we lost Sam."

"No, this will be worse." Adam rested his hands on Fiona's shoulders. "She's shutting down, pushing everyone away."

"Even Harry."

"Especially him." Adam sighed as he glanced over to the office where their boss was in a heated telephone debate with some poor civil servant.

"What can we do?" Fiona sighed. Adam closed his eyes for a moment.

"Be there. Just be there to pick up the pieces." Adam shrugged. Fiona watched her friend leave, wondering if letting things crinkle out was the right way to go this time.

Xxxxxxxx

The rooftop was freezing, specs of rain fell like ice but she didn't care. It didn't matter. Nothing did really, not now. Closing her eyes she chastised herself. The work mattered. Stopping terrorists was important. It saved lives. Millions of innocent lives had been saved by the work of the security services since the beginning of the Second World War. It just seemed that they - she couldn't save the life of an amazing man they all loved dearly.

"Ruth." She didn't turn when she heard her name. She didn't need to.

"The threat assessment is on your desk."

"I know." Harry frowned. He was freezing but Ruth was stood in shirt sleeves and a flimsy skirt that caught in the wind. "You must be freezing."

"Must I?"

"Ruth." Harry stepped alongside her as she shook. "It's 8pm on a Friday night. I've sent everyone else home. Colin and Zaf have gone to the pub with Malcolm. Adam and Fiona have gone home. You should be somewhere else?"

"Did you mean it?" Ruth suddenly looked lost, years younger than her late 30s. Harry nodded. "The night after Danny died."

"Yes." Harry touched her arm. "Yes I meant it. Every word."

"I killed Danny."

"Ruth!" Harry gripped her shoulders, turning her to face him. "You did no such thing!"

"I should have been faster, it's my job to get the information, work out what it means and get it to you and the field officers." She looked him in the eye. "I should have been faster. If I'd worked it out. If I'd been better at my job." Tears filled her eyes. Harry felt his heart break slightly. Ruth blinked back tears.

"Ruth." His voice was firm. "I meant everything I said. You couldn't have been faster; no one could have done any better. No one. I'll tell you who killed Danny. The scum that pulled the trigger. Not me, not you, Adam or anyone else."

Ruth began shivering as the cold finally hit her. Harry paused for a moment before pulling her into his arms. The woman in his arms was a complete mystery to him. He had an intense need to protect her but he had no idea why. Sighing he held her to him, hoping that he could be the one to work out what was going on with the woman in his arms.

"Ruth?"

"It's me." He frowned as she stepped back from him. Harry shook his head, unsure what she meant. All he saw was a young woman grieving for her best friend. All he was certain of was his feelings for her were more than they should be. More than she could ever feel in return but what frightened him more than ever was the thought of losing her.

Xxxxx

A/N please review


	3. Chapter 3

Slipping Away

Ruth walked back to the Grid, grabbed her purse and left. The walk to the bus station would do her good. Exercise was supposed to help but in reality she needed to get away from the Grid. Away from the constant reminders of Danny, Tom and Zoe. Of Harry. She'd let her friends down and now she was falling in love with her boss. Shaking her head at her own stupidity she stepped into the road. Brakes screeched as onlookers screamed. The thud of her head hitting the Tarmac knocked her into oblivion.

Xxxxxxx

Harry stared out over the now abandoned roof top. He knew Ruth blamed herself for Danny's death but no one else did and he knew that Danny would have hated for her to feel the way she was. He had been a good man. It was, after all Danny that had saved both Fiona and Ruth at different times. Pinching the bridge of his nose he prayed it was survivors guilt and she'd come to terms with it. He was Section Head. Danny had died on his watch, as had Helen. Those deaths as well as the fates of Tom and Zoe were his responsibility- no one else's. He just hopes Ruth saw that.

Xxxxxx. 

Adam pulled the duvet over his son, amazed at how the little boy seemed to take everything in his stride. Wes was bright as a button, three years old and already had the girls in nursery on his side. Ruth and Harry clearly adored him and Zaf had very quickly become 'uncle Zaf.' Nothing seemed to phase him. He hoped it stayed that way.

"Night Mate."

Wes snored slightly, clutching the teddy he'd had since a baby. Looking up he saw Fiona in the doorway holding his mobile phone. Closing his eyes for a moment he stepped out of the boy's bedroom.

"Not a redflash. Not tonight."

"No, it's Ruth." Fiona but her lip. "She's in A&E."

"What?" Adam took the phone from her.

"She had Harry and us listed as emergency contacts." Fiona explained. "Harry called, he's on the way there. I spoke to the nurse who was looking for Ruth's family. I'm pretty sure Ruth did it on purpose."

"Did what?" Adam frowned. A million scenarios ran through his head. "No, she wouldn't. Ruth would not hurt herself. She's clumsy, you know that but deliberately? No."

"She stepped in front of the bus. The number 9 to Hackney." Fiona frowned. "Normally I'd say she was probably clumsy or maybe even fell or was pushed. Since Danny."

"She misses him." Adam sighed. "We all do."

"God I know that." Fiona ran a hand through her hair. "He was like a brother to me. Best officer I've ever been partnered with. But you saw Ruth when you found us. At the funeral and then the memorial. She's internalising everything."

"I know. I know you miss him too."

"Yes. But I've got you and Wes. Who has Ruth got?"

"Harry."

"But does she know that? We've seen the looks and everything but bloody Hell! He barely comes out of the office these days unless it's to bark at us." Fiona folded her arms. "I'll stay with Wes. You go. I think Ruth needs all the friends she can get."

Adam nodded. He desperately hoped Fiona was wrong. It would have been an accident. Nothing more and nothing less. Kissing Fiona's cheek he left the flat unsure of what he would find.

Xxxxxxx

Harry walked into the crowded abs very noisy A&E department, bypassed the triage and reception desks while avoiding an over friendly drunk and irate pensioner. He knew his way around the hospital well enough to step through the department without being challenged. Minutes later he bumped into a nurse leaving the resus room.

"Can I help?"

"Hi. Yes." Harry tried his best charm smile. "I'm looking for my fiancé. Ruth? RTC this evening."

"She's been moved to the trauma ward." The nurse smiled back. "Go through those doors." She pointed to an electronic door. "Take a left and head for the lift. Third floor - Trauma."

"Thank you. Oh her brother, Adam is on his way too."

"Don't worry. If he gives her name at the desk he'll be directed to the ward too." Harry thanked the middle aged woman before hurrying off in the direction he was told. His heart pounding in his chest he tried to ignore the worry and fear for her safety. Ruth was part of section D. He trusted her above all others; even Adam. She was important to him, he had no idea when or how it had happened but Ruth Evershed was the woman he was falling for. Pushing the thought aside as nonsense - he was too old and damaged for her to think twice about he stepped into the room she was being nurses in.

"Ruth?"

The figure in the bed looked tiny, frail and delicate. It was then he realised she had lost weight. Her back was to him, she was curled in the fetal position. Harry frowned, realising he could see every bone in her back outlined through the hospital gown. Quietly he walked to the side of the bed, taking in her bandaged arm and dressings taped to her head. Her collar bone was dressed in gauze and padding but he could see it was broken. The cast on her wrist told him it was fractured. Gently he brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes.

"Hi." He whispered as her eyes focused on him.

"Is the bus driver ok?"

"Yes. Shaken but you were the only injury." Harry answered. Ruth nodded once, relieved.

"Harry. Go."

"No." Harry stated firmly. "You're not getting rid of me. I'm not here as your boss."

The silence hung between them. He had to ask. It would rip his heart out but he had to know.

"Ruth."

"No. My heel caught in a drain. I did not throw myself under a bus. I wouldn't do that to the driver." Her voice flat and monotone. Harry smiled slightly. Even on her worst days, in despair she considered others. It was why he loved her. He mentally shook himself. Ruth did not need to know that. Not them.

"Ok."

"Go."

"Why?"

"Stop a terrorist attack or something."

"Talk to me."

"You don't want to get too close to me." Her voice devoid of emotion. "I'm poison. Always have been. Every time someone gets close they get hurt. My father, my aunt, my baby." She whispered. "Zoe, Danny."

Harry took her unbandaged hand in his own, marvelling at how small it was. "I'm old enough and ugly enough to chance it." He squeezed her hand as her eyes fluttered closed. Neither of them saw Adam watching from the doorway, or the smile on his face as he slipped away to call home.

Xxxx X

A/N please review


	4. Chapter 4

Sleep

Harry watched as Ruth slept quietly. He had no idea why he was still there but he knew he needed to be there. He just couldn't bring himself to leave. Ruth stirred slightly as he changed position in the uncomfortable plastic chair. Her eyes remained closed as she frowned in her sleep. A tear escaped her eye. For a moment he thought her injuries were causing her pain. Leaning forward he tried to wake her.

"Ruth?"

"No." She whispered. "No."

"Ruth." He touched her shoulder, dragging his hand away as she flinched. It was clear she was expecting whatever she saw in her dream to be a threat. He listened as she quietened for a moment.

"Ruth, it's ok." He spoke calmly. "It's a dream." He touched her uninjured arm as she whimpered like a wounded animal.

"Don't." She whispered as she opened her eyes. For a moment she had no idea where she was. Harry touched her hand.

"Ruth, look at me." His voice washed over her. "Ruth. It's me. Harry. You're safe." She blinked as he held her hand.

"You stayed?"

"Yes." Harry smiled slightly. "You're ok. Battered and bruised but you'll be ok."

"I told you to go." She whispered. "I."

"I ignored you." Harry smiled. "I'm your boss. I'm allowed to ignore you. Ruth, you had a nightmare."

"How? Did I talk in my sleep?"

"A little."

"Never send me into the field." She struggled to sit up. Harry helped her, straightening the pillows. She buried her face in one hand. "I hope it wasn't any state secrets."

"No." He smiled at her. "Nothing that broke the Act. Ruth, you seemed to be frightened of someone. Ruth raised an eyebrow.

"Well, it was a nightmare."

"Who scared you so badly?" Harry asked gently. Ruth looked away. It was none of his business but she felt obliged to say something.

"I don't remember." Harry sighed, knowing that she was lying. He couldn't force her to open up to him. He nodded as she started picking at the bedclothes. "When can I go home?"

"I'll ask."

"Please." Ruth avoided his eyes. He got up, intent on leaving to find a nurse.

"Ruth? You can talk to me. I thought we were friends, as well as colleagues."

She looked up as Harry spoke. She smiled weakly, nodding.

"Friends." She replied, knowing that being her friend was dangerous. Danny was dead because she'd let her concern get in the way. Tom had left, taken a decommissioning because she'd failed to spot the signs of him sinking. She should have been able to help. Then there had been Zoe. The silly girl who had taken a fall when an op had gone wrong. As the analyst, Ruth knew where the blame really lay. At her feet. Now she had another to add to her victim tally. Her father, aunt Jessica, little Chloe. She bit her lip, knowing she would never forgive herself. Could never. Didn't he see that? The master spy? Couldn't he see she was trouble? She didn't notice Harry watching her for a moment before leaving the room only to find Adam sat outside.

"How is she?"

"Adam." He closed the door quietly, whispering his name harshly. "How long?"

"A while."

"I think she's on the verge of some type of breakdown." Harry fell into step next to him as they headed towards the coffee machine at the end of the ward. "I've never seen her like this."

"Physically?"

"Mild concussion, featured scaphoid bone, extensive bruising. She'll live." Harry fed coins into the machine, hoping the brown sludge would be better than the one at the Grid. Adam folded his arms.

"Fiona thinks she tried to kill herself."

"Plausible." Harry pinched the bridge of his nose. "She's blaming herself for Danny and Fiona getting abducted. For us not finding them quickly enough."

"That's ridiculous."

"Adam, you know that and I know that. Ruth is more fragile than I've ever seen her." Harry felt useless. Adam nodded.

"She's not eating. Colin and Zaf have both mentioned her weight loss. Even Fiona has noticed."

"They're spies. I'd expect them to notice."

"Yeah, like I've noticed how you're in love with her." Adam knew he was taking a risk. Harry narrowed his eyes. "Where were you the night Danny died? After you dealt with all the politics of it."

"With her. You?"

"See? We were both with the women we love but the only difference is Ruth doesn't know. Does she? Her best friend was executed. That's the only description I can find. Danny was executed. Fiona saw it but Ruth heard it."

"I know."

"She's our analyst. She takes things apart; breaks them down into their tiniest parts. Pours over every detail. That's what she's doing now only she can't be objective." Adam sipped the scorching hot drink. "Anyone other than someone she cares about then she could be objective. Now all she can see is her mistakes. Imaginary though they are."

"What do I do?"

"Don't let her fall apart. I dunno what the relationship is with you two. None of my business."

"Correct."

"But, Ruth us special. Don't let her destroy herself. You were the one she let get close that night. She clearly trusts you above all others. Don't ruin it." He threw the plastic cup in a rubbish bin. "I'm going home."

"Adam?"

"A word of this."

"And I'm being posted to Serbia. I know." Adam smiled before walking away. Harry sighed, he had a lot to think about.

Xxxxxxxx

A/N please review.


	5. Chapter 5

Home 

"Ruth." Harry spoke calmly as he walked into the small room to see her sitting on the bed. Tears streamed down her face as she wiped at them angrily. "What is it?"

"Like you need to ask. I can go home? Can't I?"

"The doctors would like you to stay overnight. "

"I'm fine."

"Clearly." Harry raised an eyebrow. She turned away. The tension in the room escalating. Harry knew she was shutting everyone out. He also knew there was no way she was going to voluntarily stay in the hospital over night.

"The doctor said he would only discharge you if you had someone to stay with you tonight." She turned to look at him. "I told him I would."

"You didn't have to do that."

"No, but you want to go home. This is a way of getting you home." Ruth narrowed her eyes.

"You can't stay at my house. What about Scarlet?"

"Adam is taking her tonight." She raised an eyebrow.

"Harry?" He stepped towards her. "Thanks for coming to the hospital. For staying with me but you don't need to. You should go home, get some rest. I'm fine." She sighed. "I'm always fine."

"Really?" He stepped so close that she could smell his aftershave. "Because from what I see you are about five minutes away from a direct referral to Tring."

Her eyes flashed in anger. Harry was glad. It meant she cared.

"No."

"Either that or being decommissioned on mental health grounds." He kept his voice dangerously low, determined to push her to get a reaction. She's been shutting herself off for so long that any sign of passion or anger proved to him she was still in the shell she was becoming.

"Bastard."

"So I'm told." He smirked. "You have two choices. Let me stay with you tonight or stay here."

"The sofa. You'll regret it tomorrow." She stepped past him as he smiled slightly. There was still some of his Ruth in there. He grabbed her bag before following her.

Cxxxxxxx

"How is she?" Fiona asked as Adam walked into the living room. He shrugged before sitting next to her on the sofa.

"Battered and bruised. Harry is with her."

Fiona nodded, she knew he would be. "There's something going on there."

"I hope so." Adam wrapped her in his arms. "I really hope so." Fiona rested her head on his chest, hoping that her friends would be ok. Ruth Evershed was an enigma but it seemed Harry was the one who could be there for her.

Xxxxx

A/N more soon


	6. Chapter 6

Sofa

Harry drove towards Ruth's house in silence. Ruth clearly didn't want to talk and he knew better than to push her. Mercifully the streets had been relatively traffic free allowing Harry to reach the house without any problems. Parking the car outside he killed the engine before turning to her.

"Ruth."

"I will be fine on my own." She glanced at him. The look on his face brokered no argument. He nodded.

"We made a deal."

"You issued an order." Ruth countered, although the fire in her eyes had been dulled since she had grudgingly got into the car. Harry frowned.

"Yes. I did. I either spend the night on the sofa making sure you don't have some sort of brain bleed or insist on sitting on your doorstep making a general nuisance of myself."

Ruth closed her eyes for a moment. She knew he would be true to his word. Sighing heavily she fished her house keys out of her jacket pocket.

"The sofa is horrible. Don't blame me if you have a bad back tomorrow." She watched as he smiled slightly. Turning back to leave the car she barely heard his whisper.

"You're worth it." She swallowed hard; knowing he was just being kind before heading up the steps to her front door.

Xxxxxxxxxx

The house was as Harry had remembered it on the one occasion he had found himself there. It was such a peaceful, eclectic house that he could imagine Ruth loving it as much he loved his own home. Without saying a word she walked past him, shooed a dozy kitten off the sofa as headed towards the linen cupboard.

"One pillow. One duvet. Sorry it's floral." The monotone, staccato of her voice bothered him. Ruth was usually so animated, full of life and generally relaxed around the Grid. Seeing her shut down emotionally was like a knife to the heart.

"Thanks." He sat on the sofa. "I didn't know you had a cat. What's her name?"

"Him." She watched him raise an eyebrow. "He's a boy. Fidget. Only three months old. Abandoned; I got him from Battersea last week."

"How could anyone abandon him?" Harry picked up the kitten who immediately sensed he'd made a friend and started purring. "A baby?"

"Fidget is the only survivor in his family." She got up. "I know how that feels." She sighed before heading into the kitchen. Harry held the kitten at arms length.

"Well Fidget Evershed we are going to have to look after your mum aren't we?" The kitten meowed as if in agreement. Harry smiled before setting the ball of fur down before following her into the kitchen. "Ruth?"

She had his back to him as he called her name. Her injured arm in a sling she swore in frustration as it impeded her movement around her own kitchen. Swearing as the tea caddy fell over sending little circular bags of tea over the counter she bit her lip.

"It doesn't matter." Harry soothed. "I can make us tea. Milk no sugar?" Ruth nodded before suddenly bursting into tears. Harry sighed, glad the dam was finally bursting. "Oh Ruth." He pulled her into his arms. "Oh Ruth." She sobbed for the first time since Danny's death. Gut wrenching sobs that he knew were for more than the death of a friend. It felt like every injury inflicted on her soul had bubbled to the surface demanding the appropriate level of grief.

"Useless." She mumbled.

"No." Harry hugged her tightly. "No, never useless." He held her as she sobbed into his shirt. "Ruth, it's going to be ok. Danny wouldn't want this."

"I." She stepped back and wiped her eyes angrily as he watched her. He knew then he had said the wrong thing. He knew she was blaming herself for Danny's death but there was so much more than that dragging her down. "I'm tired." She slipped away as Harry stood in the kitchen wondering if there was anything that could be done to bring her back from the brink or if they were losing her forever.

Xxxxxxx

"


	7. Chapter 7

Ties and tablets

Harry loosened his tie and removed his shoes. He knew he wouldn't sleep but for Ruth's sake he had to pretend he had. Sighing heavily he hung the gold tie over the back of the chair and proceeded to tidy away spilt tea bags. His heart was slowly breaking and he knew he was out of his depth. There was no way he could watch Ruth every minute of the day. He knew that; he also knew this was more than grief. Yes, she missed Danny. He'd been like a brother to her but this was more - a deeper set depression that burned her soul. Sitting down at the kitchen table Harry buried his face in his hands and tried not to cry.

Xxxxxx

Ruth kicked off her shoes before sitting on the bed. The tears had been spent and she knew she should have felt embarrassed but she didn't. Harry was a good man. She knew that. He had a side to him that could be harsh and ruthless but that was the nature of his work. She saw the other side. The man who cared for his friends and family, would protect them to the ends of the earth. She just didn't understand why he thought she was worth protecting. She wasn't. Ruth Elizabeth Evershed was worthless, pathetic and it would be better for all concerned if she just fell asleep and didn't wake up. Closing her eyes she bit her lip. Could she do it? Could she? The bus had been an accident, unless she had subconsciously intended to catch her heel in a metal grid the moment the Hackney bus arrived. Opening her eyes she focused on the small bottle of painkillers and sleeping pills on her bedside table.

"Sleep." She whispered. "What's that?" Picking up the unopened bottle of water she emptied the pills out onto the bed.

Xxxxxxxx

Harry lay on the sofa, kitchen clean and kitten fed he decided to listen out in case Ruth had a nightmare or needed him. When nothing could be heard he got suspicious. All the years as a spy had taught him absolute silence was bad. Very bad. Getting to his feet he headed towards the stairs.

"Ruth?" He prayed he was being paranoid. That she was asleep, finally resting but something in his gut told him to move. In seconds that felt like hours he was up the stairs and heading into her bedroom.

"RUTH!" He grabbed her by the shoulders, causing her to flinch in pain. The sight of the tablets on her bed made him feel sick. He had no idea how much she had taken.

"I." She blinked as he came into focus. "I didn't."

"What? How many? How many have you taken? What are they?" Harry grabbed the bottles as Ruth curled up in a ball.

"I was going to but I couldn't. I took one paracetamol and that's all. I promise. I'm so useless I can't even kill myself."

"You are not useless." Harry turned to her. The fear in his voice abating slightly. "You are intelligent, funny, kind, beautiful and clever. You are not useless." Ruth buried her face in her knees as she curled up, ignoring him. Tears fell from her eyes as Harry scooped the tablets up and left the room. A moment later the toilet flushed. He wasn't taking any chances. Returning to her bedroom his heart broke.

"Sorry." She whispered. "Why are you so good to me?"

Harry smiled slightly, chancing his luck that she wouldn't hit him or run away he lay on the single bed next to her. He wrapped her in his arms as she turned towards him.

"Listen to me." He whispered. "Danny died and it was not your fault. There is no way we could have been any faster. An independent report from IA, Alec White no less has concluded that. Tom went on the blink. Not your fault. Zoe is safe and happy. She's ok."

"Really?"

"Pregnant too I heard." She knew he had his grapevine. "Your auntie Jessica and your father had cancer. Hardly your fault. Cancer is a bastard. Took my mother when I was just a boy too. So blame that dreadful disease."

"I'm sorry."

"No." Harry held her gently, mindful of the fractured collar bone. "You've nothing to apologise for. When did you last sleep?"

"Before. Before Danny died." Harry swallowed hard.

"Close your eyes."

"Harry."

"Just close your eyes. I'm here." He held her as she did as she was told.

"Why? Why are you here?"

"Sshh." He sighed. "Because I want to be. Because despite what you think you are more than worth it. You are worth everything." He waited for her reply, relieved when he realised she was finally asleep.

Xxxxxxxx


	8. Chapter 8

Respite

Harry opened his eyes first, aware that it was still dark he was loathe to move in case he disturbed the woman in his arms. He watched her for a moment, wondering how they had missed it. Had they been so wound up in their own anger and grief that they hadn't seen it destroy her slowly? How had he missed it?

"Harry." The sharp intake of breath as she said his name shocked him. Then the tears came. He looked down at her, knowing she was dreaming. Whatever her brain was doing to her it involved him.

"Ruth." He touched her face gently, laying on his side to face her. "It's a dream. It's ok." He shook her gently as her eyes flew open.

"Harry?"

"Morning."

"Oh." She closed her eyes as he smiled at her. The light from the streetlight outside the only light in the room. "Oh, I."

"You were dreaming. You called my name." Ruth blushed furiously. She could remember the dream vividly. Unfortunately the nightmare had plagued her since Tom had left.

"He shot you."

"Tom? Yes, I remember." Harry sighed. "Is that what you were dreaming? About Tom shooting me?"

"Killing you." She swallowed hard. "Harry, why are you here? Why?"

"Mainly because Tom is a rubbish shot." He teased.

"Don't. Just don't joke about that." She rolled onto her back, swearing as her collarbone protested. Harry frowned.

"Sorry, Ruth. It's Saturday. You're down as having a day off and I'm on call." He watched as she seemed to close down. "There's all day to rest and I've booked you an appointment with a friend of mine, Becky Ramani."

"Who?"

"A GP. She's patched me up over the years. It's a private practice so no one you know will see you, if that's what you're worried about."

Ruth shot him a death glare worthy of Oliver Mace. Harry sat up. Ruth seemed to close down.

"A GP? A doctor?"

"Yes."

"I'm not ill."

"Ruth, last night you attempted to take an overdose. That combination of drugs would kill you. When you were asleep I destroyed every medication I found in this house and I had Adam search your desk on the Grid; had him remove the painkillers he found there." Ruth shook her head.

"So? Not only do you think I'm insane, Adam does too! Great. Bloody great!" Ruth got to her feet. "What about the bathroom? Did you get rid of the bleach? My ladyshave? Harry!"

"Ruth." He got to his feet, glaring back at her. "Depression is an illness. As real and as destructive as asthma, diabetes. It kills people." He held her arms as she glared at him. He blinked as she swallowed hard.

"I'm not worth this."

"Yes, you are! Ruth you are worth this and so much more." His voice was filled with an urgency, a fear she hadn't heard before. Her resolve faded a little.

"I don't want to go to the doctors office, Harry. I."

"She's coming here. This afternoon." Ruth hung her head, he had thought of everything. "Ruth?"

"Will you stay?" She blinked as he nodded. "I'm sorry. I'm." He pulled her into his arms, holding her tightly as she clung to him. She knew he was more than her boss, more than a friend. In that moment he was the anchor holding her onto the surface of the earth. She was afraid to let go.

"Always." He breathed. "Always." He kissed her hair hoping there was a way to get his Ruth back but terrified she was gone forever.

Xxxxxx


	9. Chapter 9

Help?

Harry poured hot water over the teabags as he listened to the shower running. Ruth had agreed to talk to the doctor when she arrived but had insisted on having a shower first; in order to feel more human. He just hoped she wasn't angry that he had destroyed anything she could have used to injure herself. He'd been so terrified that not only had all medication, save Fidget's worming tablet been destroyed but the razor had been thrown away from the bathroom as well as shortening the light cord in the bathroom. He just hoped he was being ridiculous. Sighing he sipped his tea before looking at his mobile phone. Two missed calls. One from Adam, the other Fiona. Smiling slightly he dialled Adam's number.

"How is she?"

"Good morning to you too." Harry replied. He could hear Wes laughing in the background as Scarlet barked. The young boy adored the Jack Russell.

"Well?"'Adam had no time for pleasantries.

"Honestly? I don't know. Danny's death hit her hard. I know that. I just didn't realise how hard." He sat at the kitchen table. "She knows I asked you to remove all the medication from her desk."

"I bet that didn't go down well." Adam sighed as Wes curled on the sofa with the small dog. Cartoons played in the background.

"No."

"Do you seriously think she's a danger to herself?" Adam spoke quietly. He didn't want his son hearing him and asking questions.

"I don't know." Harry lied. "I don't want to think she would but she isn't well. She isn't our Ruth."

"Tring will do no good. It's a fast track to getting a medical discharge from the service." Adam knew he was on thin ground. The last thing he wanted was for Ruth to feel abandoned. "Have you told her?"

"What?" Harry was confused.

"What we talked about at the hospital? Have you told her? That you're in love with her?"

"Tring may not be appropriate for Ruth but in your case it's looking like a valid option." Harry narrowed his eyes as he spoke. Adam was insane. There was no way he would burden her with his feelings now. It was the last thing she needed. He closed his eyes, there was over ten years between them; there was every chance she would see him as nothing more than a friend at best and a dirty old man at worst. He ended the call just as he heard the shower stop running.

Xxcxxx

Ruth rested her head against the cool white tile of her shower. The hot water had burned her skin but she didn't care. At least the scalding water meant she was physically able to feel something. She was exhausted, fighting a mental battle against herself was energy consuming. Grabbing a towel she wrapped it around herself before sitting on the closed toilet lid. Her pink flesh stung but she did nothing to ease it; not caring about the pain.

"Ruth?" She lifted her head as she heard her name called. She'd been so absorbed in her own world that she had almost forgotten he was there.

"I won't be long." She called. Her head resting back against the wall suggested otherwise. Water dripped from her hair in rivets as she thought about the man currently stood in her kitchen feeding her cat. "Harry." She paused. He was her boss. Could send her to Tring, decommission her and end her career but he had chosen not to. She knew most other section heads wouldn't have batted an eyelid. But Harry had been so caring, so considerate. She knew there was an age gap, that he probably saw her as nothing more than a friend. A junior colleague he felt responsible for. She didn't let herself think there could be anything more to his actions than that. Wrapping her hair in a towel she knew she couldn't read more into it than that.

Xxxxxxx

Adam walked onto the Grid, glad that the weekend seemed to be relatively peaceful. Zaf and Fiona were chatting quietly as Malcolm worked away in the corner. He had no idea what Colin and Malcolm were working on; he wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"Adam?" He looked up to see Fiona walk towards him. "Are you ok?"

"Yes." He smiled slightly. "Just thinking." He glanced over to the empty office. "What we got?" Fiona handed him a file.

"I was going to ask Ruth."

"No, not today." He kissed her cheek. "I'll read it."

Xxxxxxxx

Ruth appeared in the living room looking a little more than like her old self. Harry smiled slightly as she pulled her cardigan around her.

"You stayed."

"You asked me too."

"What about Scarlet?" Ruth folded her arms across her waist as Harry smiled.

"Is having the time of her life with Wes. I called Adam to check on her." He watched as the kitten Ruth had adopted a week earlier. The tiny kitten looked up at her before Ruth picked the cat up.

"Good."

"I was never really a cat person, but that little fella is changing my mind." Ruth watched as Harry stood up. She cuddled the kitten who purred at the attention. Harry watched as the first almost real smile cross her face.

"I've always wanted pets. My mother hated animals. She hated everything really, me included." The kitten snuggled into her as tears threatened to fall. Harry's heart broke as he realised the pain in Ruth's life stemmed back much further than her time in Section D. A knock at the door caught his attention.

"That'll be Becky." Harry smiled slightly as Ruth bit her lip.

"Ok."

"Ok?" Harry squeezed her hand before slipping past her to open the door. Ruth walked into the living room as Harry spoke to the doctor. Minutes later Ruth found herself confronted by the middle aged Asian woman with a strong Cardiff accent.

"Ruth? Harry says you've not been feeling well." She smiled as Ruth shot Harry a look, unsure of how much he had told the doctor.

"Well." Ruth paused. "I was hit by a bus."

"Harry?" The doctor turned to him. "I've just dragged myself across London on a Saturday in what can only be described as a monsoon. Tea would be lovely. No sugar."

Harry rolled his eyes as Becky spoke. Ruth nodded that she was ok with the doctor before he left the room. The doctor turned back to her patient.

"So, how long have you felt this way?"

Harry leant against the door of the kitchen hoping and praying she told the doctor everything. It was the only way she was going to get better. He knew she had to. There was no way he could live with himself if she didn't.

Xxxxx


	10. Chapter 10

Relief?

Ruth stared at the brown liquid in her favourite mug. The doctor had asked so many questions that she began to wonder who the analyst was. Becky Ramini was good at what she did. Smiling slightly she leant forward.

"Ruth. It's going to be ok."

"Is it?" She glanced up. "Please don't tell Harry. What I said about when I was a teenager. I've never told anyone other than my aunt Jessica. This was her house. My first proper home since my Dad died." She sighed as Becky nodded.

"I'm a doctor. We are governed by something even more impressive than the Act." She sipped her own tea. "The Hippocratic Oath, and patient confidentiality. Harry won't hear a word from me."

"Thank you."

"He's a good man, Ruth. Let him help you." She watched as Rut nodded. "He may make absolutely disgusting tea but no one is perfect." She watched as Ruth smiled slightly.

"You're right. This tea is awful."

"I'm going to prescribe you some antidepressants. Just a short course, three months. Don't look at me like that. You have clinical depression. It's nothing to be ashamed of. If you had asthma would you take medication? A heart condition? Diabetes? Of course you would. This is no different."

"I should be stronger. I knew the service would be demanding. Anything worthwhile is." Ruth spoke quietly.

"You are not weak. Ruth for the last hour and a half I have listened to how your friend died, your daughter, your father and Auntie. How you were betrayed in the worst way imaginable. You've coped with so much. It's no wonder you snapped. You've been strong for too long. Since you were eleven! Come on Ruth, if we were talking about anyone else but you then you'd have more compassion."

Ruth looked up.

"Take the medication. I'll see you in a month. I'll also recommend counselling but I don't think you'd agree."

"No." Ruth shook her head. Becky nodded.

"Think about it, yeah?"

"Yeah." Ruth sighed as Becky handed her a prescription. Ruth took it, glancing at the drug name. A second later she handed her a second prescription. Ruth frowned as she took it. Becky left the room, calling to Harry as she left. Ruth looked at the second prescription before smiling slightly. Where the drug name should have been Ruth read one word, 'Harry.'

Xxxxx


	11. Chapter 11

Medication

Ruth stared at the prescription in her hand. The antidepressants she could understand. Becky Ramini had explained exactly how the chemicals in the brain were effecting how she felt. It was the second prescription that she'd been given had confused her. She had to admit Harry had been amazing, she had to admit if he hadn't been there she may well have killed herself.

"Becky's left."

"Oh." Ruth looked up as Harry walked into the living room. "She left me the prescription. I don't know how I can take a drug like this and do the work I do."

"You must take them. Ruth, you need the medication." Harry sat next to her. Ruth nodded slightly. Rationally she knew he was right. If she had a medical condition she'd take the medication prescribed without a second thought. Now that she had a mental illness all she felt was ashamed, that she was weak and left everyone down.

"Ruth." Harry took the prescription from her. "Oh. Right, well the sooner we get these from the chemist the better." He blushed furiously. "But I don't think they'll do much good in the long term."

"What? But?" Ruth bit her lip as she realised Harry had the prescription with his name as the drug. "Oh, I think that was Becky's joke. I."

"Ruth; I know. It's ok. I grew up with Becky. She's always been a pain in the rear end but is a bloody good doctor." He shook his head. "Her brother, Sandeep was in my class in secondary school. When she went to med school in London he asked me to keep an eye on her."

"You've known her a long time."

"Yes. And she's very very married. We've always been just friends. Don't look at me like that. I know my reputation. It's a sexist world, if I'd behaved the way I had had I been female my reputation would be a lot different. Now? How about a walk to the chemist? It's not far is it?" He stood up. Ruth nodded.

"I don't know. I've not left the house since I came home from the hospital." She looked away, feeling pathetic. Harry stepped closer to her, tilting her chin so she had to look at him.

"I know. You can do this. I know you can. Ruth, I'll be with you." She nodded, glancing away.

"Ok."

Harry smiled, genuinely happy that a little of the old Ruth was creeping back into the woman in front of him. Before he could stop himself he kissed her forehead as her eyes fell closed.

"I can do this." She swallowed hard before heading towards the hallway in search of her boots and coat. It was a small step but she had to do get it out of the way.

Xxxx


	12. Chapter 12

Return?

Ruth stared at herself in the hall mirror as she tugged her coat on. Harry watched her for a moment, seeing she was having an internal dialogue. She frowned slightly, the physical aspects if her depression clear for the world to see. She had dark circles beneath her eyes, her cheek bones more prominent and it was obvious she had lost weight. Sighing she turned to see Harry watching her.

"Harry?"

"Yes." He stepped closer, maintaining eye contact at all times. Ruth blushed slightly.

"I can't do this."

"Yes, you can." He tugged her coat around her, holding it by the lapels. "I have faith in you."

"I'm pathetic. Maybe you should call Tring? Have me decommissioned on mental health grounds." She sighed. "No one would blame you, least of all me."

Harry narrowed his eyes. He knew that was how Tom had been removed from the service, but that had been due to his erratic behaviour - his risk to others in the Section. Ruth was none of those things.

"No."

"Harry, I can't walk out my own front door. How can I decipher and analyse a potential terrorist threat? Be realistic." She slumped down, sitting on the stairs. Harry closed his eyes. He had already admitted to himself his feelings for this woman were more than they should be. Now he was just finding her infuriating.

"I think I am being perfectly realistic." He sat next to her on the bottom stair. "You have to leave the house, if not to get medication then to get cat food. Fidget isn't going to wander along to Tesco you know."

Ruth rolled her eyes. She knew he was right. He linked his hand through hers, rubbing her palm with his thumb.

"Do you know why I've not decommissioned you?"

She shook her head, glancing at him as the kitten joined them. Harry picked the cat up, smiling as the grey kitten purred.

"At least he's happy." Ruth sighed. Harry nodded.

"If only a full stomach and a warm home were all it took for us humans." He smiled as the kitten settles awkwardly on his lap. "Seriously do you know why?"

"No."

"You are the best as what you do. Did you ever read your references from GCHQ? Did you realise how many times for analytic skills have saved innocent people?" Harry turned to her as she stared at the kitten. She remained impassive. "I won't damn you with faint praise , but Ruth your skills have saved people."

"Not Danny." She sighed. "Not Sam - she'll never be the same again."

"I told you."

"Yes, IA cleared us of any misconduct. Alec White ripped everything apart and found that we did all we could." She ran a hand through her hair. "Doesn't mean I don't feel as though I did all I could."

"Good."

She frowned.

"What?"

"You know and I know Danny was a brave and excellent officer. He loved what he did, and he was good at it." Harry kept his voice low. "He found you when Forstrell had abducted you. I didn't put the pieces together. He did. Him and Adam."

"I."

"And of you had died he would be blaming himself, so would I. He was your friend but do not belittle his skill or his memory by making him anything other than the master of his own fate." Harry was genuinely annoyed. "He chose to join the service, he chose to work in domestic anti terrorism and he chose to put Fiona's life ahead of his own. If Special Forces had been a minute faster we may have had a different result but we don't."

"I'd never belittle Danny's memory." She was clearly getting angry. Harry was glad. He raised an eyebrow.

"So you think Danny Hunter would want this? That he'd want to see you destroying yourself over misplaced guilt? Explain that to me, Ruth. Because Depression I can accept as an illness that needs expert medical treatment. Self pity I can't."

Ruth flashed him a look Juliet would have been proud of. Harry stared her down.

"What do you want me to do?"

"Leave the house, walk to the chemist and get your prescription. Then have something to eat. Buy cat food. Live your life." He paused as Ruth nodded.

"Ok." She blinked back tears. "I don't think I can do this alone."

Harry smiled slightly.

"I never said you had to."

Xxxxx


	13. Chapter 13

Together

Ruth looked around the street as she walked back towards her house. Harry walked alongside her, carrying the small Tesco carrier bag full of treats for Fidget, medication from the chemist and chocolate which Harry had insisted on buying. She smiled slightly as he squeezed her hand. Less than a week earlier she could never have imagined wanting to die, or walking home holding hands with Harry. It seemed surreal, as if the last few days had happened to someone else.

"Thank you." She spoke quietly before opening the front gate. "I'd have done something very silly if it wasn't for you." She looked away as the colour drained from his face. It was the first time she had admitted what she had planned.

"Ruth." He paused. "You've nothing to thank me for. We're friends, yes?"

"Definitely." She smiled as she watched him. He blushed slightly as she headed towards her front door, the blue paint peeling near the lock. She turned, watching him for a moment.

"Ruth?"

"I'll be ok, Harry. I think. I have to give the medication a chance." She opened the door, scooping Fidget up as Harry carried the shopping into the kitchen. He felt the grip of fear release slightly from his heart as the realisation Ruth wanted to get better sank in. He deposited the carrier bag on the kitchen table before unloading it. He smiled slightly as he heard Ruth talking to the very friendly kitten in the hallway. Closing his eyes he knew that if anyone else on his team had gone through what Ruth was going through he wouldn't have acted the same way. Sitting at the kitchen table he thought about Adam, Malcolm, Fiona, Zafar, Colin and Sam. He knew he'd look out for Malcolm, the man was godfather to his children, his oldest friend but the others? Maybe not. He knew Ruth was different.

"Harry?" Ruth stood in the kitchen doorway. "Oh Harry." She was at his side in seconds, her hand touching his face as she spoke.

"You should take your medicine. One tablet, once a day." He pushed the box towards her, surprised when his voice broke. Ruth nodded.

"I will." She covered his hand with hers. "I'm sorry. I've been selfish and stupid."

"No." He gripped her hand. "No, Ruth. It's the illness. I've seen it before, my mother had it. Did I tell you?"

"No." Ruth shook her head. "Harry." He turned to look at her. The Ruth he had fallen for was beginning to creep back. "Did your mum get well? Did she beat it?"

He sighed.

"In a way. It was always there. My father didn't help. He said he loved her, in his own twisted way he did I suppose." He sighed. "She died from cancer, not depression but I can't help but think the depression robbed her of so much. My father ignored it; but Ben and I believed he caused it. We were kids, what did we know?"

"Is that why you took it upon yourself to make me get help?" Ruth asked gently. He sighed as he entwined his fingers with hers. He nodded.

"I didn't. I don't want to lose you. I'm a foolish old man, Ruth."

"You're neither of those things." Ruth smiled slightly. "And you're not losing me. You're right, Becky was right. Danny would have something to say if he saw me like this." She wiped a tear away from her eye. "I just."

"Need help?" Harry looked up.

"Yes. Is that weak? I."

He shook his head, squeezing her hand slightly.

"No, it's the strongest thing I can imagine, realising that you need help and asking for it. I know I forced your hand. But Ruth, you were going to die. You were going to kill yourself." He blinked back tears as she nodded. "And I've never been so scared."

"Harry."

He closed the small gap, kissing her lightly on the lips. Ruth pulled back slightly, resting both hands on his cheeks. She kissed him gently before Harry pulled away.

"I'm sorry. I should go." He sprung back. Ruth licked her lip as she shook her head.

"No."

"What?"

"I don't want you to apologise. I don't want you to leave." She touched his arm, gripping the sleeve of his shirt. "I need time. I can't ask you to wait for me. I don't know how long this will be with me. If it's ever going to go."

"You don't have to ask me to wait. I will." He held her hand gently. "I'll wait."

Xxxxxxx


	14. Chapter 14

Return to normality?

Harry picked the small Jack Russell terrier up, letting her lick his face. The small dog was clearly delighted to see him, even though the Carter family had spoiled her.

"I know." He smiled as the little dog became ever more exuberant. "I'm glad to see you too." He carried her into the living room, knowing that the little dog would refuse to leave the comfort of the sofa until she felt that enough attention had been bestowed on her. He chuckled as she tapped her paws before settling in the far side of the sofa.

Cxxxx

Ruth was glad she had insisted Harry leave her. He had been exhausted - and she felt guilty, knowing his worry for her was the cause. Sighing she glanced at the kitchen clock. It was Sunday afternoon. She knew she would see him in less than a few hours. Getting hit by a bus wasn't going to keep her away from the Grid. She groaned as her shoulder protested. She slumped at the kitchen table, sitting in the room on her own suddenly seemed a very bad idea. The demons in her head now free to taunt her without any distraction. The little blue and white box on the table the only medication in the house.

"Fidget." She spoke as the kitten wandered into the room. "I need to go out for a bit. I don't know how long I'll be. You should come too." The tiny kitten tilted his head as if to appraise what she was saying. Moments later she was out of the house, not trusting herself to drive and forgetting that the Sunday bus service was abysmal as she carried her bag in one hand and the small cat carrier in the other. She had to complete her journey for the sake of her sanity - and Harry's.

Xxxxxxx

Harry filled the kettle as Scarlet continued to lounge on the sofa. The puppy had been Catherine's idea and he had to admit, one of her better ones. The rescue centre had told him Scarlet and her litter mates had been dumped in a black bin liner and left to die - either by hypothermia or suffocation. The thought made him physically sick - knowing what he would have liked to do to the person twisted enough to do such a thing. Only Scarlet and a male puppy had survived. She had been the last to find a home - a sickly ten weeks old. He smiled slightly, wondering what the others would have thought had they known the amount of times she had been smuggled into the Grid - right under the noses of Mace and Juliet. Pouring his tea he knew he was glad of the distraction the puppy provided.

"I am monumentally stupid and selfish." He spoke, returning to his living room as the puppy yawned. "You don't have to agree with me Young Lady. I kissed her. I was supposed to look after her - keep an eye on her. She was hit by a bus! She's not well. And what does good old Harry Pearce do? Stops thinking with the head on top of my shoulders and thought with the one much lower down." He gulped his tea. "I know. Reverting to type." The puppy looked up at him, clearly just glad to be home she licked his hand. "I know. I know." A knock at the door caused him to swear. He didn't want company - unless it was Scarlet. The puppy stood up, yapping so loudly she was lifted off her paws.

"Ok. I give up." Harry paused before heading to the door. "Ruth?" He frowned as she stepped past him into his hallway.

"Hi."

"What's happened? Are you ok? Why didn't you call?" He ran his eyes over her, aware that she had pulled her sleeves lower over her wrists as he spoke. "Is Fidget ok?"

"Nothing, no and I didn't think. He's fine. In that order. Harry, I need you to do something for me. Please. You're the only one I trust. I know Adam and Fiona mean well and Malcolm but he'd fuss." She worried the edge of her sleeve as she spoke. Harry nodded.

"What is it?"

"I don't want to hurt myself but I'm scared I might." She looked up at him.

"Ruth."

"I know the tablets take a while to get into my system but what if something happens before that? I took one earlier and it took everything for me not to take all of them." She looked away, ashamed. Harry had been amazing and now she felt as if she was throwing his care back in his face.

"But?" Harry ushered her into the living room, his guts twisting in fear. Scarlet tilted her head, appraising the new human. "Oh this is Scarlet." He released the kitten as the puppy jumped off the sofa to greet the feline visitor and his mistress.

"Hi Baby." Ruth was rewarded with a wagging tail and a lick on her hand. Harry waited.

"I've taken today's dose. Can you look after them for me? That way I know I won't take too many and I'll have to get into work every morning. And you'll know I'm ok because I'm going to be coming into your office every day." She watched as he smiled. He nodded.

"That's a great idea." She smiled as he took the small box from her. "Tea?"

"Please." She nodded as he reached up, taking her coat from her. His fingers brushed against her neck, causing them both to pause. Ruth blushed, knowing she wanted to live, she desperately wanted to have a future with this man but she didn't quite know how. He took her coat as she watched the puppy and kitten play happily.

"One day at a time? Yes Ruth?"

She nodded, fear and loathing still encasing her heart but lessening slightly.

"One day at a time."


	15. Chapter 15

Dreams

Harry smiled slightly as he stared at the small blue and white box now sat in his kitchen. The little box was innocuous enough but the trust Ruth had placed in him meant everything. She had literally trusted him with her life. He just hoped he was worthy of such an honour. Running a hand over his face he placed the box in his suit jacket, knowing she would expect him to take them to the Grid with him the next day. Then he set about making the tea he had promised her.

Xxxx

Ruth looked around the cosy living room as Scarlet and Fidget played happily on the mat in front of her. The kitten and puppy seemed to quickly make friends. Sighing she sat on the sofa, wondering why she had never expected Harry's house to be so homely. She rested her head back against the sofa, closing her eyes as she listened to the pets playing and Harry pottering about in the kitchen. She closed her eyes, suddenly exhausted as she felt herself relax for the first time since Danny and Fiona had been abducted.

Xxxxxx

Harry picked up both mugs before heading into the living room. He had to call Malcolm and check a few reports from Fiona and Zaf but he knew there was nothing too urgent. He was tempted to leave them until the morning, knowing that if he made the call while Ruth was there she would feel that she was getting in his way. Sighing he stepped into the living room and stopped. Ruth was clueless to his presence, sleeping peacefully on the sofa. Fidget and Scarlet had curled up next to each other near the fire as the light flickered across the room. He smiled. Ruth looked peaceful, years younger than her thirty something years. Relieved that she was finally resting he quietly put the mugs on the coffee table before slipping her boots off her feet.

"Um." Ruth mumbled but didn't really wake as he slid the boot off. Harry held his breath for a moment. She sighed as he took the second boot off. He stood, pulling the throw Catherine had bought for him the previous Christmas from the back of the sofa and covered Ruth with it.

"Harry, I." She stirred as he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

"It's ok." He watched as she blinked. "You're exhausted, go to sleep. I'd carry you upstairs but I don't think my knee would let me."

"I'm too fat." She frowned.

"No you are certainly not too fat. You're perfect." He kissed her forehead as her eyes fluttered closed. "Rest, I'll be here when you wake up. You're safe here."

He stepped back, watching as she succumbed to sleep. He had no idea what happened next but he knew that he'd be there for as long as she needed him.

Cxxxxc


	16. Chapter 16

Monday

Ruth opened her eyes slowly as she remembered the events of the night before. She hated herself for Harry worrying about her - for being dependant on him. It wasn't fair, he had enough to worry about. She blinked, remembering the conversation before he had covered her with the plush tartan throw.

"Harry." She whispered, remembering the kiss on her forehead. The way he had looked at her had caught her off guard, she knew pretending to be asleep was the safest option. She smiled slightly, remembering the look in his eyes. No one had looked at her that way before, no pity, no hatred or lust. Just love. It had been disconcerting at the time. Now she had given herself time to analyse her own feelings she knew she loved him back. But he was her boss. That had to affect things. It just had to, then there was the age difference. He had to see her as too young, too foolish and now too damaged. What could a man like Harry Pearce ever see in her?

Xxxxx

Harry stared at the report on his laptop. Fiona had emailed it to him the night before. Now it served as a distraction from the woman currently laying in his front room. Ruth. The woman was an enigma. Just when he thought he was beginning to understand her there was another curve ball. He knew he loved her. That was without question. It was how to deal with his feelings that was in doubt. Ruth had been through Hell. She was unwell - fragile. When he told her he would wait he meant it. He just hoped she felt the same way as him. Glancing at the computer's clock, sighing heavily as he realised how early it really was.

"Five am." He blinked, hoping Ruth was sleeping he returned his attention to the report on the Maxwell case, knowing Zaf and Fiona had spent hours working on what should have been a straightforward case.

Xxxxxxx

"Adam?" Fiona ran the hairbrush through her short hair. "Is Harry coming into work today? I want to find out what happens with the CPS."

Adam shrugged. He had no idea what Harry was planning but he knew the last thing Ruth would want was any fuss following her accident.

"Maybe I should call Ruth? Check she's ok. I mean her accident was only a few days ago."

"No, she's ok." Adam paused. He knew Ruth and Fiona were friends but he hated discussing colleagues at home. It seemed wrong.

"Adam. I'm not fishing for gossip. My friend was hit by a bus. Possibly threw herself under it. She could have been killed." She pulled her blouse on as Adam watched her.

"I know." He nodded. "But firstly, Harry is taking care of her, secondly do you know how distracting it is trying to concentrate on what you're saying when you're half naked?"

Fiona pulled a face, deciding there was little point in arguing with her husband who was in no mood to to argue back she headed out into the hall to get Wes up for school.

Xxxxx

"Colin." Zaf jogged across the Grid to where Colin was working on some new device. He looked up over the rim of his glasses.

"What?"

"Have you seen Ruth or Harry yet?"

"No. Only you and Malcolm."

"Strange."

"Hardly. Ruth's been in hospital. Didn't you know? A bus hit her on Friday. Broken collar bone, bruised ribs, black and blue by all accounts. Did you not know?"

"No." Zaf stared open mouthed. "Is she ok?"

"All I know is that Harry spent Friday at the hospital with her and Adam. The bus driver was very shaken up." Colin shrugged, recounting what Fiona had told him on her arrival. Moments later he closed his eyes as he heard a distinctly feminine voice.

"Please don't gossip about me." She sounded on the verge of tears. "I fell, I'll live. Ok? End of story." She stepped away as Colin turned.

"Ruth, I."

"It's ok. I'm here. Harry is here. Nothing new to tell." She sighed before retreating to her desk. Colin and Zaf exchanged glances. Ruth looked as if she could break at any second. Zaf nodded, about to approach her as Harry yelled her name from his office doorway. He snapped the office blinds shut as Ruth reached him, closing the door behind her.

"Are they giving you a hard time?" Harry asked as Ruth shook her head.

"Not really."

"If they are, I can have them both stationed in Afghanistan in ten minutes. I'm sure Camp Bastion would love to have them both." Harry smiled as she raised an eyebrow. "I'm serious, Ruth."

"I know." Ruth sighed. "I think it was wise, us arriving separately. The last thing they need to know is I spent the night with you."

"I'd shout it from the rooftop." His voice was low, almost seductive. She met his gaze - the same look she had seen earlier. Part of her wanted to run away, another part of her wanted to grab him and kiss him senseless. Sighing she looked away, playing with the ring on her right hand.

"I can't. I can't do this, not now."

He caught her arm, not wanting her to run. He let go as tears sprung to her eyes.

"I know." He spoke calmly. "I know. Ruth, I'd die before I hurt you, or let anyone else upset you. I know you're not in the right frame of mind for anything more than we have now."

She nodded, she had no idea why he was behaving the way he was towards her. She only knew she believed him. Harry smiled at her as she took his hand.

"Why?"

"I don't understand." Harry frowned. Ruth wiped an angry tear away as he pulled her into his arms.

"Why are you so good to me? I don't deserve you. You deserve so much better than me." He held her tightly, as if trying to squeeze every broken part of her soul back together.

"No Ruth." He kissed her hair. "It's you that deserves more. You just have to see what I see when I look at you. And you will, one day. You'll see how you deserve to be happy. This is like every other illness, it'll pass."

"Will it?"

"Yes." He released her, holding her at arms length. "Just give it time. I'll be here, if you want me." She touched his face for a moment. His eyes falling closed at the touch of her skin. When he opened them she was gone.

Xxxxxx


	17. Chapter 17

Peace

Ruth frowned as she stared at the computer screen. She knew everyone else on the Grid knew she had fallen in front of the bus a few days earlier. She also knew Harry was the only one who knew about her state of mind. She hated worrying him, hated feeling the way she did. The medication was still new, she knew the tablets would stabilise her mind but she didn't know how long it would take. She fought to keep her attention on the information in front of her. The words seemed to taunt her as she worked her way through the translation. Biting her lip she read it again and again. She had to get it right. There was no room for error. Lives depended on her accuracy and there was no way she was going to let anyone down. Not like Danny. Not again. She jumped as she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Sorry." Fiona spoke calmly. "I didn't mean to startle you."

Ruth closed her eyes for a moment. "It's ok. I was concentrating."

"I'm worried about you. Should you be in work?"

"Yes, I'm fine." Ruth stated automatically. "My bones will heal. I'm ok."

"Good. Well, er lunch."

"Sorry." Ruth shook her head. "Adam and Zaf are going to need this."

"It's Sam's leaving do."

"Sorry. I can't." Ruth looked away. "I have to finish this. You go on ahead." She turned her attention back to the computer, leaving Fiona no room for argument. It had been a lie on the field officer's part - Sam hadn't wanted a leaving party and had already moved to GCHQ. The office girl had no wish to see any of them before she left. Ruth understood why. Fiona sighed before grabbing her purse and leaving the Grid, hoping someone could get through to her friend.

Xxxxx

Harry sat in his office, pretending to listen to Juliet as she lectured him on the amount of overtime he was sanctioning. The slim brunette Ruth referred to as the 'Wicked Witch of Whitehall' stopped in her tracks as she noticed how little attention he was paying her.

"Harry!"

"Juliet - do you know what the primary function of this section is? To detect and derail acts or potential acts of terrorism on British soil before they are committed and to locate and detain those responsible. Ring any bells?"

"Harry, I hardly think.." He raised a hand stopping her.

"In the last three weeks one officer was murdered in cold blood. One resigned, a third had to be put on medical leave. That leaves us short."

"Ruth is there today. After her accident." Juliet snapped. "The little mouse is stronger than I thought." The derision in her voice palpable. Harry narrowed his eyes.

"Do not come in here and disrespect any of my staff, Juliet. I'm warning you."

"Oh Harry, I love it when you are masterful." She teased. Harry rolled his eyes.

"Leave Ruth and Fiona alone. Don't even think of telling me Samantha isn't to be replaced. And do not even consider telling me we have no further budget for overtime." Harry glared at her.

"I shall take this up with the DG! Which could have been you by now." She snapped.

"I'm a spy not a politician. Juliet, do something for me? Crawl back into whatever crevice you slipped out of and leave me and my team in peace." He stood, opening the door for her as she stalked past him.

"You haven't heard the last of this!"

"I don't doubt it!" He slammed the door as the woman left through the Pods. Colin took his glasses off and put them back on again.

"She's in a mood."

"So it would seem." Malcolm sighed. "Lunch? Colin? Ruth?"

"Pub?" Colin grabbed his jacket as Ruth smiled slightly, she knew both men meant well.

"Maybe later. I need to finish this." She nodded at the computer - relieved when she was finally alone on the Grid. She pressed the send button on the email, hoping that she had done the right thing. Harry needed an analyst that was on top form - she still had a long way to go until she was near that. Holding her breath she watched him through the blinds as he read he email she had sent. Frowning slightly she nodded as she read his reply.

'roof now'

He was already on his feet as she pulled her navy cardigan closer to her. She glanced around the Grid before getting to her feet. Cradling her broken wrist in her other hand she followed him.

Xxx


	18. Chapter 18

Roof Top

The roof had always been a place where Harry could collect his thoughts. Since his time as a field officer he had found the place restful, the one place where he could forget about whatever chaos the Grid was trying to contain. He knew Ruth felt the same. He closed his eyes as he heard the roof door click shut.

"I'm here."

"Are you?" He turned to face her. She paused for a moment, stunned by the way he looked at her. She'd seen him angry and annoyed, bemused and everything in between but the anger had rarely been directed at her before.

"You asked me to come." Ruth looked away. Suddenly nervous she started fidgeting with the ring on her right hand. He reached for her, stopping her movement with one touch.

"Fiona worries about you."

"I know." Ruth paused. "Her and Adam are good friends."

"Yes, and Fiona was partnered with Danny. Don't you think she misses him too? He died in front of her. On her birthday. Not something she is ever going to be able to forget." Harry watched as Ruth refused to meet his gaze. He touched her chin gently, forcing her to look up at him. "Then you send me that email and I have no way of knowing how to react."

"Really? I thought it was for the best. I'm so scared of messing up again. If something happened to Adam, Zaf or Fiona in the field. To you." The last part of her sentence died on her lips as Harry kissed her gently. Ruth grabbed his shirt, pulling him to her. She couldn't seem to draw him close enough. Tears streamed down her cheeks as he broke apart needing oxygen.

"Harry."

"I'm sorry, I." He paused as she shook her head.

"Don't apologise for kissing me. Never for that." She blushed as he hugged her. "I just don't want to miss anything else. I should have been faster when Danny and Fiona were taken. I should have been better than what I was."

"I'm not having this argument again." He held her. "Ruth, you think any of us could bare it if something happened to you? Colin and Zaf weren't gossiping. They were concerned and so is Malcolm. He's been in the office demanding to know if I'm looking after you. As has Fiona and Adam. Did you know Adam came to the hospital? When you were on the trauma ward?"

She shook her head.

"No. He never came in. I only remember you being there."

Harry nodded.

"He waited outside the ward. Left before we did." Harry paused. "And it was more than just being concerned for a staff member. Adam is a good man."

"I know."

"So stay. Stay where your friends are. People who love you." He held her hands. Ruth shivered. "Let Fiona take you to the pub, let Colin and Zaf be your friends."

"Pushing people away." Ruth sighed. "It's what I do best."

"No, it isn't."

"What will people think of us?" Ruth sighed. "This."

"Honestly, I don't care." Harry paused. "I want to be with you. I know that. And if that kiss was anything to go by." He watched as she smiled.

"You might end up hating me." Ruth sighed. Harry shook his head.

"Never." He smiled slightly. "Ruth, let people in. You might just find out there are more people that care. You and I can be separate from work if that's what you want."

"There's an us?"

"I want there to be. I know you're not well but I'll be waiting, when you want me." He stopped as she smiled at him.

"Can we keep us from the rest of the world? Just until I'm stronger?"

He smiled back, kissing her forehead he knew she had made progress. He knew she needed something to live for. He just hoped he was enough.

Xxx


	19. Chapter 19

Dark Side

Harry kissed her forehead gently, silently terrified that he wouldn't be enough to help her. He remembered his mother's depression, how lost he had felt, how Ben had cried himself to sleep knowing that there was nothing either of them did that could make it better. His father had been a loud, abusive and violent drunk, one reason Harry had left for the army straight after Ben's death. Now he felt just as useless. Only he wasn't ten years old anymore. His tears would do no one any good.

"Ruth." He kissed her temple. "Come home with me tonight."

"I."

"For dinner. Let me really put you off food for life or we could get a takeaway. Just as friends."

Ruth nodded. She could sense that Harry didn't want to be alone. In truth, she was scared of being alone just as much as she was scared of getting any closer. Harry was an enigma to her. She knew the Harry Pearce they all saw on the Grid was only one side of the man who was holding her.

"Fidget and Scarlet are already on good terms. They're both at my house, so?" He whispered.

"Take away? I don't have much of an appetite." She sighed as he nodded.

"Ok."

"Ok."

"Ruth?"

"Yeah?" She stepped back, glancing at the incredible views below them. Her stomach lurched as she realised what her suicide would do to the team; to Harry.

"Don't leave."

" The Grid ?"

"Me." He whispered as she nodded before she took his hand.

"I'll stay. I'll try. I."

"We all have a dark side, Ruth. It's how we deal with that is the issue. Let people in." He lead her towards the door hoping that he had finally begun to make her see she wasn't alone.

Xxxxx


	20. Chapter 20

A breakthrough

Ruth headed back to her desk, unsure why she had agreed to have dinner with Harry. They had become so much closer since Danny's death but she knew relying on anyone was not a good move. She hated that he worried about her, that he seemed determined to help her fight her demons. She knew he had much more important things to spend his time on. Yet, she trusted him more than anyone since her father had died. Sighing she sat down at her desk, knowing that nothing she felt for Harry could be described as platonic or paternal. A voice from behind her caught her attention.

"Earth to Ruth?"

"Oh."

"Tea?" Zaf asked. "And I've bought pizza. Veggie supreme. Everyone loves veggies." He smiled.

"Tea would be lovely." She smiled slightly, knowing Harry was watching her through the office window. She didn't like pizza as a rule but she wanted to get well. She wanted to try, Harry had told her to stop pushing people away. Pizza was part of that. Moments later Harry appeared from the office.

"Zafar Younis! Last time I checked this was MI 5. Not Pizza Hut!"

"Sorry Boss but if Mohammed won't come to the mountain." He glanced at Ruth who seemed absorbed in her work. Harry smiled, nodding. "There's plenty to go round. I won a bet with Steve in Section A."

Ruth bit her lip so hard she thought she was going to draw blood. She liked Zaf. He was kind, intelligent and had the makings of being a great spook. She knew he wasn't intending to upset her. There was no way he could have known about Danny's gambling habit or the hole she and Zoe had dig him out of less than six months earlier.

"Ruth?" Zaf frowned as tears filled her eyes. She waved a hand.

"Tea went down the wrong way." She lied as Harry caught her gaze. Harry took a slice of pizza as he watched Ruth look away. It was progress, a small step but at least accepting a cup of tea from the new boy was a start. He retreated to his office as she placed her headphones on, translation in front of her. Harry chewed his pizza, wondering if they'd ever have Ruth back or if the depression would eat away at her indefinitely as it had his mother.

Xxxxxxxx

The day didn't seem to pass fast enough for Harry. He desperately wanted to spend time with Ruth away from prying eyes. He shook his head, he knew she was aware of how he felt about her and she also knew there was no way he would push her. She needed time. Even the small step of not running from a well meaning Zaf was a start.

"What do you want for dinner?" Harry asked as he paused at her desk. She shrugged, knowing the rest of the Grid would assume he was asking her about the translation she had been focused on.

"Not Italian." She sighed as Harry smirked. A pizza box stuck out of the bin near Adam's desk suggested they had all had enough of the Italian delicacy. He nodded.

"Fish and Chips?"

"Ok." She sighed. "Harry?"

"We leave at 5:30 today. There isn't that much going on, Ruth finish this and I'll be waiting."

"You always seem to be waiting for me." Ruth looked away. Harry nodded.

"And I always will. Ruth, you need your friends. I don't know why you feel you don't deserve to have any. I don't know who made you believe that, because they were wrong."

"I." She looked at her hands. "Is that what we are? Friends?"

"Yes. It's what we've always been." His voice was so low only she could hear him. "But you know how I feel about you and if the way you kissed me back is anything to go by." He raised an eyebrow as her face coloured.

"Harry."

"Ruth." He teased as she swallowed hard.

"Why are you doing this?"

"I want you well. I want you to look in the mirror and see the Ruth I see. That the others here see." He held her gaze, ignoring the knowing looks from Adam and Fiona. "I'll wait forever until you see what I see."

She smiled slightly.

"You're a good man, Harry Pearce."

"Hush, don't tell everyone." He watched as she glanced at him. A flash of the old Ruth seemed to be there in the smirk she gave him. "I can't have this lot knowing that."

"I'll finish this." She glanced back at the computer. He nodded, stepping back.

"Adam! My office!"

Xxxxx


	21. Chapter 21

Chip Shop

Harry looked up from his desk as the rest of the Grid seemed to empty. Ruth frowned, oblivious to his eyes on her. The computer screen held her attention as she tapped away at the keyboard.

"Ruth." He muttered under his breath. She still looked tired, haunted by her demons and the affects recent events had taken on her. He knew she was still fragile but the fact they had both got through the weekend was a start. He knew her broken bones would heal in time, it was her psyche he was more concerned with. He smiled slightly as she finally looked up, catching his eye. He got to his feet, heading towards the office door.

"Ruth?"

"You should see this." She turned back to the computer screen. "The contact Adam met yesterday has links with A Q. I picked it up from GCHQ about five minutes ago. He kept it quiet but it's there."

"Ok." Harry leant over her, staring at the computer screen. He closed his eyes as he breathed in her shampoo. Ruth blushed. "Where is he now?"

"Wandsworth."

"Under surveillance?"

"Yes."

"Right. I promised you tea. Chip shop chips, fish and mushy peas." He rested a hand on her uninjured shoulder as she tensed. She nodded.

"Can I skip the fish? I had goldfish as a child. I can't eat fish now. Its like eating cat. There's no way I can do it."

Harry smiled slightly, seeing her reasoning.

"There's a little shop about two streets from where I live. Catherine loves it. Takeaway vegetarian and vegan food. How about that?" She smiled slightly.

"Perfect."

"Well, it's almost six. That can wait until tomorrow." He stepped back, picking her handbag from the floor. "Ruth?"

"But."

"Ruth." Harry looked at her pointedly. Ruth rolled her eyes.

"Ok."

He smiled, glad to have won one battle. He ushered get towards the Pods. Ruth cradled her injured arm, still feeling unsure and desolate but knowing for the first time in months she wasn't alone.

Xxxxxxx

Zaf shovelled chips into his mouth as he left the chip shop opposite Thames House. The sun had begun to set and he knew he should be at home getting some rest before the undercover op he and Adam were starting the next day. He frowned slightly as he realised he wasn't the only spook to be walking away from the Grid earlier than usual. Smiling slightly he watched the older man and the skinny brunette head towards the pub further along the street. He watched as the couple walked past the pub and around the corner.

"Look after her Boss." He mumbled before heading back to Thames house to collect his car. He just hoped the quiet analyst that had accepted him quickly into Section D would accept the help she so badly needed.

Xxxxx

Harry fed the pets as Ruth sat at the kitchen table. It seemed that since her accident and suicide attempt Harry had been less than five minutes away from her. She loved how he cared for the animals; aware that both Fidget and Scarlet adored him. He seemed oblivious to her as he plated up the chips and vegan lasagna Ruth had convinced him to buy.

"Thanks." She smiled slightly as he put the plate in front of her. He smiled, sitting down to his own meal. He could sense Ruth pushing the food around her plate as she are as little as she could get away with. He ate quietly before putting his fork down.

"What is it?"

"Adam thinks his source is reliable."

"I'm not talking about work." Harry stated firmly. "Have you taken your medicine?"

"You know I have." Ruth snapped. Harry winced. "What is going on with us?"

"Us? Right now we seem to be arguing over chips!"

Ruth bit her lip, one eyebrow raised she had no idea if he was being completely obtuse or if he just didn't know what she was referring to.

"Harry."

"We aren't doing anything wrong. Dinner is a perfectly acceptable activity at this time of day. Eat your food."

She picked up a chip, popping it in her mouth as she kept her eye on him. He returned to his own meal, knowing he had won a small victory. Ruth did need to eat, her frame was bordering on skeletal. He wondered briefly how he hadn't noticed her weight loss sooner. He knew a friend of Catherine had been anorexic but it was something he had wrongly assumed was a teenage issue. Now as he saw Ruth struggle to eat in front of him he wondered if it was a part of the depression she was suffering. He looked at her unplastered hand realising her fingers were small, fragile and infinitely breakable. Once again he wanted to scream, to cry for her.

"Harry." She touched his hand. "What is it?"

"I'm not the best with words." He held her hand. She nodded. "You know that."

"Neither am I."

"I don't want to lose you. Ruth, if this depression wins. I saw it with mum."

"You were ten. You told me about her." Ruth threaded her fingers through his. He nodded, avoiding her gaze.

"Yeah. I."

"I don't want to go on feeling like this." She stated firmly. "I hate it. I hate that my brain is fighting against me. But I am not going to give up. Not now."

"Tell me what to do. Tell me how I can make this better." Harry whispered as she blinked back tears, seeing how hurt and lost he really was. She squeezed his hand tightly.

"Be you. That's all I need. My Harry." He smiled slightly as she watched him. "Don't think you can fix me. I have to do that. I know that now. It won't happen overnight but I'll get there." She looked away as her voice broke. "You must think me foolish, immature."

"No I don't." He got up, crossing the small space to where she sat. "You have been unwell and now you are going to get well. I know it's an ongoing condition but I want to help. I don't think I could do what I do, be the man I am without you. Please don't let this horrible illness win."

Ruth nodded, standing she touched his face gently. He closed his eyes as her thumb ran over his five o clock shadow. He sighed as she kissed his cheek.

"I won't." She whispered as he held her. "I won't."

Cccccccc


	22. Chapter 22

Epilogue

Three months later

The Grid was in the aftermath of another almost disaster. Harry barked at Juliet as Zaf and Adam began organising officers he had commandeered from just about every section. Overtime was going to be a nightmare; especially after he had done the same when Danny's funeral had been disrupted by Shining Dawn so many months earlier. Pinching the bridge of his nose he looked out over the Grid. Fiona and Malcolm were talking to the new girl, Joanna Portman. He smiled slightly, unsure of the new recruit but trusting Adam's instincts. After all, he'd been right about Ruth.

"Harry?" She appeared in front of him, looking concerned. "Juliet just called. She is not happy."

Harry smiled slightly, Ruth had gained a little weight, seemed more relaxed. That was when desk lamps didn't attack her or she wasn't falling over. The ribs, collar bone and wrist had healed well. Now the challenge was to keep her on an even keel.

"Harry?" She was so close to him that she could smell his aftershave. Blushing slightly she made to step back.

"Sorry. I was thinking."

"Oh?"

"Stuff Juliet." Harry stated calmly. Ruth raised an eyebrow. "With bells on."

"She's on her way. You can tell her that." Ruth smirked slightly. Harry groaned.

"Oh shag."

"Not in there." Ruth nodded towards his office, eyes filled with mischief. Harry burst out laughing as Juliet stormed onto the Grid. Ruth stepped back as Harry caught her wrist.

"Not in there, not with anyone bar you, anywhere." This time Ruth turned a shade of scarlet that wasn't humanely safe before smiling at Juliet and heading back to her desk.

"I'm glad you find this funny!" Juliet snapped.

"Hello Juliet." He turned, ushering her into his office as he closed the door. Ruth sat at her desk, watching the muted conversation through the open blinds. Harry had been amazing, building her shattered confidence, making her see life wasn't better off without her. She still had a long way to go but she was heading the right way.

Xxxxx

The operation had averted another disaster - the bomb had been found by Jo and Adam and dismantled safely. Now, as she stared out over the city Ruth couldn't quite believe the way things had changed. Jo Portman was now part of the team. She liked the girl; could see the rest of the team had taken to her too.

"Placated the Witch of Whitehall?" Ruth asked as she felt Harry stand beside her. The cool evening air chilling them both. Harry nodded.

"For now." Harry draped her coat over her shoulders. "It's cold."

"Is it?"

"Ruth." Harry turned to her.

"Three months ago today the train station was targeted. It was Danny's funeral." She sighed. "Ten weeks ago today I was up here; trying to think of a reason not to throw myself off Thames House." She closed her eyes. "That was the day the bus hit me."

"I'm never going to forget that." Harry's voice was low. Ruth nodded.

"But I'm still here. Thanks to you."

"Me?" Harry held her gaze. "All I did was."

"Love me." She touched his face. "When I think about how stupid and selfish I've been and you just accepted me. All the things I'd have missed if I had. If I had." Harry pulled her into his arms, holding her tightly as he kissed her hair. He closed his eyes, breathing in her shampoo.

"It's the illness. Not you." Ruth nodded against his shirt. The man holding her was an enigma. To the rest of the world Harry Pearce was a tough, no nonsense bullish force to be reckoned with. To her, Harry was the one solid force in her life - the person she trusted above all others not to destroy her. Wrapping her arms around his waist she closed her eyes; knowing that whatever it took she's find a way to return the favour. The depression wouldn't win. Not when she had Harry - a man she's gladly die for if he needed her to. She smiled as she felt his lips on her temple.

"Ruth?"

"Mmm?"

"Home. Now?" He asked as she nodded against his chest. He had no idea, she already was home.

Xxxxx

A/N as someone who has suffered with depression I hope I've done this justice. Thank you for all the reviews - they mean the world to me. Back to The Bank Job now


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